my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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