Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
