i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
