our cab driver is having phone sex.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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