DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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