Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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