dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
