I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I can't put those talents on a resume
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize