Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
