I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
