Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
