Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
