if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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