god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
is this the sara with the beer cane?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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