dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize