this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
