watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
