I want to make a zoo with you.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I understand Curling. That high.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize