i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
