I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
