her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
