there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
