thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize