I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
