Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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