Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
