i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
