my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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