It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
