Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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