If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
