I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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