Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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