my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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