The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
