My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
