I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
