Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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