My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
