mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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