i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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