her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
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