If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
