kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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