i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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