I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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