u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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