The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
