Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
