Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
