Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Randomize