dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
