Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
