if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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