mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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