U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
