i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
