you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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