My room smells like vodka and shame
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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