I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
