I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
