Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
