Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
