SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
