fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize